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Falling in love online
can be as completely emotionally real as falling
in love in real time. It seems utterly silly to think that
we can give our hearts to someone we have never even met
in person, and yet, it happens a million times a day on
the internet.
When new to the internet, most are innocent people
who venture into chat rooms or instant messages, with hopes
of finding some stimulation for an hour or two, but when
they get into chatting, they are possessed by a current
and dragged down a river of virtual sensations that completely
sweep them away. They are surprised when they notice the
time and hours and hours have passed. And in not too long
a time, they are addicted.
The human is such a gregarious being, that most of us crave
deep emotional attention but haven’t figured out how to
get it and keep hold of it in real time. Now, with this
outlet for our psyches to feed and get nourishment, we are
finding that our addiction is easy to justify and chalked
off to the techno onslaught and being able to keep up with
it. Even if we are not in love with anyone in particular
online, we are in love with being online, knowing that we
can get our fix, whenever we want it. Most of us have learned
that when one online romance ends, our heart is severely
broken, but miraculously we heal because another arises
on the horizon in virtually no time flat….LOL.
Why is it so abundantly easy to fall in love online,
and what are the long-term results of such a development?
As we all know and have experienced, the Internet has given
us a whole new way of life. The age of this new and ever-evolving
technology has changed dating in a BIG way. Never again
will people who have access to a computer, be lonely and
ignored, even if they are shut-ins. They just have to turn
on the pc, and whamo, the world is at their fingertips.
Once one has been online for a short amount of time, one
realizes the intricacies of ”chatting.” Chatting is a dialect
that has emerged from communicating on this venue, no matter
what language it is done in. There are all kinds of hidden
nuances of this form of communicating. A well-seasoned “chatter”
can create and project any mood, any emotion, any feeling
imaginable, with the combination of several different “cyber
graphics,” “emoticons,” (the little smiley face icons),
words, keyboard symbols (@#^*((( ))) !~), and acronyms (LMAO,
LOL etc).
Chatting one on one in instant messages, is one of
the ways to get to know a person, very personally. Something
magical happens during this type of communication that seems
to be unique to this venue. Especially if you are speaking
to someone who is a romantic interest, it seems like you
have a more direct connection to his/her psyche. How many
times have I sensed the answer to a question or virtually
read their mind? It seems to happen at an uncanny rate when
in an instant message. Is it the electrical energy that
is freely flowing from their pc to yours? If this online
connection does something to our powers of exchanging thought,
does this mean that we are developing a NEW sensory perception
that has been latent in us but now coming to life?
Somehow, this new sense dominates our powers of perception
and creates feelings, deep feelings, for some of the people
we connect with online. Since we only have the written word
and no other obvious audio or visual cues to clue us in
on the chatters personality, we have to go on what we read,
assimilate the meaning, and somehow imagine the person who
is at the other end typing these words. We have to, in our
minds eye, create a real person who we have no other information
about except for what they have told us. We cannot see how
they dress, how they maintain their weight, personal hygiene,
how they laugh or smile, what their voice is like, what
kind of car they drive or if they have a nervous twitch
or have all their limbs. We simply have their written word.
Most of us believe the other person to be telling us the
truth, and because they are giving us what seems to be a
unique look into their psyche, we develop a kindred ness
with them that is very special. This dynamic is what makes
us able to fall in love online so easily.
Most humans are basically the same. We want the opportunity
to love someone, and have our love reciprocated. How
we go about achieving that goal is what differs for each
of us. So when we chat in instant messages or in chat rooms,
we extend a part of our selves that may not normally be
revealed in a person to person or “real life” scenario.
Since we have no outside cues or distractions, it makes
it easy for us to be totally honest, because we have nothing
to lose by being so. In so doing, the connection between
parties escalates at a rapid rate. The safety of extending
ones emotional self across the cyber field seems to be almost
unavoidable as well as incredibly fulfilling. The down side
to this is that you might find yourself creating a fantasy
of the person, which is totally unrealistic. This is generally
what happens. Since there is no visual input for the mind’s
eye to focus on, the brain has to assimilate the info, the
input, and the sensory exchanges, and make enough sense
of it to justify the feelings being felt.
There are a few “tools” that help us make further determinations.
We might have a picture of the person, we might have heard
the person’s voice on the phone, and we might have even
be able to see them on video web camera, which overrides
some of the data. If the intent is to actually “meet” this
person for a date, it is important for our brain to collect
as much data as it can in order for us to actually feel
safe enough to meet face to face. BUT, and this is a big
BUT, sadly many people never have any intention of ever
venturing outside the confines of their safe little homes,
in order to actually meet face to face. They are finding
themselves making deep rooted connections with people online,
and are getting themselves into trouble by either falling
in love (without the capability to take appropriate action)
or they are causing others to fall in love with them (thereby,
breaking hearts, right, left and centre when it has evolved
to the “meeting” stage and one party has no intention of
doing so). Sound familiar??
Pointers for protecting yourself in case of this happening
to you:
1) Find out right up
front if the person is seeking a real time relationship,
or simply wants a virtual one. Many are simply filling time
and have no intention on ever leaving the comfort of their
own homes to meet you, no matter how close you feel you’ve
become.
2) If you are considering
meeting the person in person, make sure you clearly state
this disclaimer: If, when we meet, one of us is NOT attracted,
it must be made known, and all aforementioned plans or activities
discussed are null and void.
3) Realize that people
confide in you way more readily online, because they know
they will never meet you, see you or otherwise find your
knowledge of their secrets as any kind of a threat to them.
4) If you have met someone
and you have both fallen in love online, realize that true
love cannot truly be established until you find out whether
you are in love in real time. Energy from online may not
necessarily transfer, so be realistic, and save your self
a lot of heartache. And don’t fall into the trap of saying
“I love you” online if you haven’t met yet.
5) Realize that you
are probably guilty of creating a “super” mate in your mind
and that meeting with expectations is one of the major things
that cause problems. If you go in totally open minded, with
NO expectations, you can’t possibly be disappointed.
6) Lastly, don’t think
that just because you fell once and failed, that every time
will be the same. Keep trying, be REAL, and some day, you
might find a keeper!!! <Smile>.
By WiseWoman
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