|
Real or make-believe?.......that is the question.
Can we find a way to determine if the person we are falling
for online is real?
This is one question that comes to mind a lot in
online connections, be it emails or instant messages, and
is peculiar to ONLY online communications. This cannot occur
in any other venue except maybe writing letters back and
forth to someone you have never met, such as pen pals, women
who write to incarcerated men, etc.
Since we cannot see the person's reactions to what we
say, nor can we be distracted by a million other forms
of sensory input that happen in person-to-person interaction,
ONLINE communication becomes something nebulous falling
somewhere between REAL and FANTASY in our mind.
We are real people talking to each other, but our mind
has to find a place of security that is alien to its
natural process. If one has spent a lot of time online interacting
with others, one develops a place of security in one's mind
where by we can launch a scenario that is optimum for each
particular person/case involved.
For instance, if we are talking to someone who fits the
criteria that we have set for us to be able to explore a
possible meeting, we have imposed a certain chain of events
that will certainly take us to that end.
Systematically, we ask certain questions, interpret the
answers, which lead to more questions, which lead to
more answers that finally give us the specific information
we need to make an educated guess as to the risk factor
involved in actually meeting this person face to face.
After assessing all the things we have to assess, after
eliminating a series of reasons why to meet or not meet
this person, we ultimately whittle it down to whatever action
we want to take.
On one hand, with online dating, before we meet face
to face, we have a hell of a lot MORE information than
we would have if we just met on the street. Assuming they
have told the truth, we usually know their age, where they
live, what they like sexually, and a lot of other personal
things we've demanded they answer before we determine a
quasi match.
But on the other hand, we have a whole lot LESS information
than we would have if we had met this person in real time
(seeing how they dress, carry themselves, relate to the
world around them, how friendly they really are etc).
So, within this nebulous space we now have to create
a whole new set of rules for ourselves. We have to come
up with extra sensory perception that will guide us in our
decision-making so that we can find the lowest risk factor
possible for making the best assessment for success. Not
only do we have to decide if this person is compatible,
but we have to give ourselves the OK to bite the bullet
and go for it.
The more we meet people this way, the more we learn
how our new sensory perception has to develop. Each
time we meet someone, we get the opportunity to develop
our skill.
Once we have this person in our face, the brain has to switch
from that nebulous place between REAL and FANTASY to REAL
time. Now we fall back on what has always been familiar
to us and that is CHEMISTRY.
Chemistry has a way of overriding much of the aforementioned
data. New sensory input invades the senses and qualifies
or disqualifies all previous information. This is the point
where we go from the nebulous zone to a comfort zone.
At least we can trust chemistry. It's almost an absolute
for us. Chemistry is cut and dry. There is no question.
We are in our comfort zone and know exactly if this person
is energetically in tune with us or not.
But, what if the guy has a nervous twitch or looks at every
woman's ass that walks by, or what if the woman has an obnoxious
high-pitched laugh? That nebulous zone never factored these
types of things in to the quotient.
The solution to this is to have a web cam.
You can see how the person responds to your words, see their
facial movements, see their body, how they look when you
make them smile, hell you can even see their pets, kids,
and whatever else they care to show you.
You can't, however, see how they react to the world around
them, or know how friendly they are to senior citizens,
or whether or not they have money in the bank, but if you
are wondering if you are at least physically attracted to
this person, the cam will show you a heck of a lot.
I think we create in our nebulous zone, how we want the
person to be. When the other person doesn't meet that
expectation, we tend to then say, "they weren't for REAL."
I am thinking that we create this person, as we want to
see them to make it OK in our mind to meet them.
But when they aren't THAT way really, aren't WE ourselves
to blame for making up this super being?? How many times
have you said, "This is absolutely CRAZY!!?? I think I am
madly in love and we haven't even met!!" What we are "in
love" with is the IDEA of this person being everything we
have made them out to be which is of course, our perfect
mate!!!
Is saying the person really wasn't as they alluded to be,
perhaps a "self imposed" mistake or lack of awareness?
Could it be that we are eluding ourselves? If we can
realize that we have done all we can in a limited venue
to find someone who for all intents and purposes matches
our criteria for romance, BUT that the hold out is the actual
face-to-face meeting as the be all and end all of ascertaining
REAL attraction, I think there would be a whole lot less
disappointment, and a lot more success stories.
Expectations are SELF IMPOSED and we ourselves need to be
accountable for this. If the other person does NOT meet
our expectations, it might just be that we built up a persona
to suit our fantasy, and perhaps WE indeed, haven't been
realistic.
The other thing that we run into a lot, unfortunately, are
the liars and deceivers who get their rocks off by hurting
others or just seeing how well they can bullshit their way
into getting a date.
That is where experience at meeting comes in handy. There
are a lot of ways to detect these people because they forget
from one day to the next what lies they told and stories
aren't consistent.
I avoid these like the plague but even an experienced bullshit
detector like myself can still be fooled on occasion. BUT,
I still prefer this venue for meeting potential dates over
all others and have learned that the bottom line is to keep
a very open mind, realizing that I am probably grandiosizing
a wee bit because I so earnestly want to meet people with
whom I can relate to and be myself with and I truly believe
that with the masses at my fingertips, I have much higher
odds of being successful.
There is a magical dynamic that happens online that is
not found in any other venue and I sincerely believe
it CAN be translated into real time, with caution, awareness,
and the ability to make the smooth transition from that
nebulous zone to REAL time, and allow yourself the grace
to let chemistry and face-to-face attraction be the deciding
factor. Limit your fantasies and know that they are the
fuel, but they are not the REAL fire!!!
|
|
