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Love is the most powerful force in the Universe, and expanding
our capacity to love is for most of us a gradual and ongoing
pursuit. Many of us harden our heart with years of self-protection
to avoid pain. To love another person, however, we need
to have some softness of heart, which involves being able
to feel rather than cut off from our emotions. It’s impossible
for someone to have an intimate and meaningful relationship
with us if we’re rock-like. So, to be emotionally accessible,
we need to let down our defences and avoid shielding ourselves
from hurt. If pain can't get in, love can't flow out. Whereas
our life improves commensurately with our unfolding of this
ability, we don’t want to wait until we’ve reached the state
of absolute love before we enjoy a satisfying relationship.
Love is extremely important to most people. When we’re agreeably
attached, a positive spin-off permeates many other areas
of our life. We enjoy the intimate connection, and there’s
a mutual exchange of love, acceptance, understanding and
encouragement. Contented relationship partners experience
a sense of belonging and their life has stability, meaning
and purpose. They delight in making love and being close,
supportive and affectionate with each other. Conversely,
when our relationships are troubled we tend to feel disenchanted
with life in general. If you’re in a relationship that’s
less than satisfactory, take heart! When our intimate connections
are a source of heartache, we have the opportunity to stare
truth in the face, and to expand our self by finding more
constructive and rewarding ways of being.
There are many determinants of enduring relationships. Concepts
like connection, cooperation, common values, commitment,
compatibility, communication, clear conscience, caring,
conflict management, compassion, companionship and closeness
are important, but let’s start by establishing a healthy
foundation. In team sports like football, team members have
to build their own skills to be able to contribute to the
team. The same applies in relationships. Partners build
their relationship stamina by having a well-developed self.
When we develop ourself by regularly expanding our self-esteem
we become emotionally mature. Being able to respect and
accept of ourself and our unlimited potential leads us to
be more open-hearted about respecting and accepting our
partner and fostering her/his potential.
People with low emotional maturity tend to focus on their
partner’s faults and pressure him/her to change rather than
taking self-responsibility, i.e. responsibility for their
feelings, thoughts and actions. When problems arise, our
relationship benefits when we reflect on what of our values,
thoughts, emotions or behaviours elicit what we don't like
in our partner. For example, if I’m judgmental my partner
may become secretive rather than risk incurring my criticism.
Even when you’re very hurt by a transgression your partner
has made, rather than blaming her/him, consider how you
contributed to the situation. Clearly, the more partners
are self-scrutinising and taking self-responsibility, the
more loving and lovable they become.
When they’re in relationships, people who are dedicated
to self-development are more interesting to their partner
because they don’t stagnate. Starting their relationship
from a solid base where they’re aware of their strengths
and limitations and have a general sense of self-acceptance,
emotionally mature people know what they want and can communicate
what they are and aren’t willing to offer and accept. Self-esteem,
a by-product of self-acceptance and self-responsibility,
includes being generally self-sustaining, self-reliant and
self-nourishing. For love to flourish, ideally we’re able
to give ourself approval and positive regard, such that
we’re less inclined to be unreasonably needy or demanding
with a partner.
Integrity, another crucial element of a loving relationship
that’s related to self-esteem, develops through having the
courage to deal with our self-deception, defences, justifications
and rationalisations. When we behave with integrity we derive
a greater sense of self-worth. Integrity includes being
honest, trustworthy, and faithful in word and action. It’s
about having the courage to be true to ourself, which means
living responsibly from our passions rather than from our
fears and inhibitions, so it involves a willingness to listen
to our own heart. When we develop the practice of listening
to our heart we become more receptive to the hearts of others.
Our socialisation largely encourages us to conform to the
norms and expectations of our society, culture, religion,
parents, etc., which may not be true to the unique you.
There is not just one right or valid way of being. We have
the choice of living authentically, as opposed to living
according to the standards of others.
If you want to take some action toward enhancing your emotional
maturity and augmenting your ability to love, pause now
and take stock of yourself. When you’ve honestly assessed
yourself you will find both agreeable and disappointing
elements – you wouldn’t be human otherwise! Remember, though,
that competence and abilities aren’t an indication of our
actual worth. An individual may be more competent in one
or several areas than another but no one is better than,
or less than, any other person. Actually, our worth is unquestionable
and independent of our skills, personality variables, etc.
To sustain a loving relationship, although aiming generally
to be self-accepting, it’s valid to be dedicated to our
continuous improvement. It’s likely that many of your behaviours
that aren’t ideal can be changed under your own direction
but you might benefit from counselling if your self-critique
relates to challenges such as jealousy, disproportionate
anger, irrational fear, sexual dysfunction, addictions,
etc. Consider taking systematic action in terms of what
you can change through perseverance. Pick an aspect of your
behaviour where you fall short of your ideal and determine
a goal you’d like to achieve that will result in you being
closer to your ideal. Next, plan a step-by-step process
that will result in you attaining your goal. Be careful
that your goal is to be true to yourself rather than to
dance to the rhythm of someone else’s drum. When you’ve
designed your action plan – this might seem obvious – but
you actually have to follow through - repeatedly! Smart
ideas and intentions are all well and good, but the Universe
rewards action. Taking this sort of approach builds self-esteem
and enhances your emotional maturity. Moreover, in doing
so you’re acting lovingly toward yourself. How can we act
lovingly toward a partner if we avoid doing so for ourself?
Copyright – Elizabeth Ryan – All Rights Reserved
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